Will I Ever Play the Piano Again Doc

Henny Youngman 1906-1998 American Comedian and Violinist "Rex of the 1-Liners"

I once wanted to go an atheist, only I gave upwardly - they have no holidays.

I have my married woman everywhere, merely she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What tin I exercise?" The physician says "Limp!"

My Grandmother is over eighty and nevertheless doesn't need glasses. Drinks correct out of the bottle.

When I read nearly the evils of drinking, I gave upward reading.

You lot know what I did earlier I married? Anything I wanted to.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die past 4 o'clock.

What's the apply of happiness? It can't purchase you coin

I've been in beloved with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My married woman and I have the cloak-and-dagger to making a marriage last. Two times a week, nosotros go to a nice restaurant, a little vino, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Nosotros always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My married woman and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Simply this fourth dimension, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Ocean.

She was at the dazzler shop for ii hours. That was only for the gauge.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud barbarous off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour fourth dimension difference. I'm still confused. When I get to dinner, I feel sexy. When I become to bed, I feel hungry.

The physician gave a man six months to live.  The man couldn't pay his bill, and then he gave him another six months.  The Md called Mrs. Cohen maxim "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."  Mrs. Cohen answered "And so did my arthritis!"  The Doctor says "You'll live to be threescore!"  "I AM lx!"  "Meet, what did I tell  you?"

A physician has a stethoscope upwardly to a human being's breast. The man asks "Dr., how practice I stand up?"  The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

Dr. says to a man "You're pregnant!"  The human says "How does a man get pregnant?"  The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."  "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front end of a judge.  The gauge says "You've been brought here for drinking."  The drunk says "Okay, let'south get started."

The other day I bankrupt 70. That'southward a lot of clubs.

I made a motion-picture show with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was adjacent to mine. In that location was a little hole in the wall. I allow her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. ten% Sexual practice, 90% guilt.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."  I asked "When's payday?"  He said "I don't know, you're the i who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I oasis't eaten in two days!"  I said, "Yous should forcefulness yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."  I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

In that location was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all dark! Finally, I permit her out.

I accept a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

My hotel room is then small, the mice are hunchbacked.

She'due south been married then many times she has rice marks on her face up

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?  They're worth it.

Why practice Jewish men die before their wives?  They want to.

A automobile hit a Jewish man.  The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"  The man says, "I make a adept living."

2 Jewish women in New York, ane says, "Practise you see what'south going on in Poland?"  The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

A guy says, "I'm and then one-time that I forgot how old I am."  An sometime woman says, "I'll tell you lot how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over."  The man does this.  The woman says, "You lot're seventy four."  The man says, "How tin yous tell?"  The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A human being calls a lawyer's office.  The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz."  The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "I'thou deplorable, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "He's on a big case, non available for a week."  "Then allow me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "He'due south playing golf today."  "Okay,  and then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."  "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Some other guy says "Exercise what I do. I put my head on my married woman'south bosom, and the headache goes away."  The next day, the human being says, "Did you lot do what I told you to?"  "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you lot have a dainty house!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.  I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?"  He said, "because I was going up!"

Have you seen the new Smoothen jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

A polish human had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes beloved, the garage door goes upward.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the aerodrome.

I wish my blood brother would acquire a trade, and so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I bet on a horse at ten to ane.  It didn't come in until half-past five.

If you're going to exercise something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning time, sleep late.

You tin can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My wife dresses to impale. She cooks the same way.

I bought my wife a new machine. She called and said, "At that place was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where'south the car?" She said, "In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A guy comes up to me and says, 'I oasis't eaten in two days.' I told him, 'Force yourself.'

I didn't sleep well last dark. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my female parent, and I was a bottle baby.

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

This guy asked his dr., 'Will I be able to play the pianoforte after my performance?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

Two guys in a gym, 1 putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife constitute it in the glove compartment of our machine.'

My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a 2d opinion. He said, 'OK, you're ugly, too.'

I live about 4 muggings from Central Park.

I flew on an airplane, the food was fit for a king. Here, King!

Take my wife, please.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody volition lend me a bookcase.

Americans are getting stronger. Xx years ago, it took two people to carry x dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a 5-year-erstwhile tin can do information technology.

I haven't spoken to my wife in eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

It's not true that married men live longer than unmarried men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife tin be very hard. In my instance, it was near impossible.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would become through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, transport i to Los Angeles, and ship one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did information technology last week!"

I was but in London - there is a 6 hour fourth dimension difference. I'm still dislocated. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I get to bed, I feel hungry.

A doc gave a man vi months to live. The human couldn't pay his bill, and so he gave him another six months.

My md grabbed me past the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

A doctor says to a man "You desire to improve your love life? You demand to get some practice. Run x miles a day." Ii weeks after, the man called the doctor. The md says "How is your beloved life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The physician says to the patient, "Take your dress off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that practise" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

"Dr., my leg hurts. What can I exercise?" The doc says "Limp!"

Nurse: "Doc, the man yous just gave a make clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, become to a health order." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Another drunk goes upward to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a large clamper of clay. I swung again, missed the brawl, and got another large chunk of dirt. But then, ii ants climbed on the ball saying "Let'due south get upward here before we become killed!"

I played a bully horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse'southward jockey was hitting the equus caballus. The equus caballus turns effectually and says "Why are you hitting me, at that place is nobody behind us!"

That was the first fourth dimension I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was and then belatedly getting dwelling house, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the mail. I don't mind when my equus caballus comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" Only when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on some other equus caballus in the aforementioned race...

The hotel I'one thousand in has a lovely cupboard. A blast.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

The room is so modest, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

You have the Midas touch on. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The more I think of you, the less I call back of you.

Now, the band that inspired that swell maxim "Stop The Music!!"

My brother was a lifeguard in a machine wash.

My wife volition purchase anything marked down. Last yr she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a calendar week, and three stores went nether.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail at that place twice a week.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the approximate.

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I also late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

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